You know, I'm starting to wonder if every crush I ever had on someone wasn't just hormone induced madness.
It's odd, you know, the way the mind works. It's no secret that I went on the pill sometime last year, and it's no secret that the pill also reduces the severity of how hormones affect your body. The stronger the dosage, the stronger the reduction, and I got put on a pretty heavy dose after a previous trial of doses that did no good. (For the record, I'm not on the pill because I'm sexually active. Haha, that's a laugh. I'm on it to help reduce the severity of the crippling period pain I get and the amount of blood I lose each month, since I'm heavily iron deficient. And if you're a guy and were just grossed out by that, I'm sorry but I have only three words for you: get over it. By standards of TMI, there's much worse. And I say this as someone who is easily grossed out.)
But the other day as I was bored, I decided to write down a list of all the people I had ever crushed on, for... I have no idea what purpose, honestly. Nostalgia, perhaps. Boredom is a funny thing. But in that I noticed three things:
1. From the age of twelve (when I first got my period), until around a month after I got put on the pill (about a year ago, when I was eighteen), I never had a single moment in time where I wasn't crushing on somebody
2. Since around a month after I got put on the pill (around this time last year) until a month after I stopped taking it (about a week ago), I didn't have a single crush on anyone. My libido (lol lol lol yes let's all giggle like children, go on, I know I am) was also completely obliterated like it had been hit flat with a sledgehammer. I wonder if these two points aren't related.
3. Since around a month after I stopped taking the pill (about a week ago), I've suddenly got a crush on someone again.
And while I don't really take my own crushes very seriously anymore, it's kind of simultaneously disturbing. It kind of makes you wonder if you'll ever really experience "love" or if it'll just be "lust" all the way. And I know that people older and wiser than me would say "What're you worrying about that now for? You're only nineteen, you've got a long life ahead of you for that sort of thing yet!" And I guess I agree. But on the other hand, I feel like life is too short to spend it mucking around, not trying to experience everything that I've wanted to experience.
After all, I could be hit by a car and die tomorrow, you know?
What inspires you to blog?
Usually, the Question of the Day. What is up with all the really lame ones recently? I might have to actually write something of my own invention. Gasp, imagine that.
Unfortunately, there is little exciting or unusual going on in my life right now, except for the fact that I am sleeping on the couch. And not for the reason you're thinking. (I only wish it was.)
You see, the other night as I was preparing to go to sleep, I came upon a massive spider in my room. A huntsman, even. As big as my hand, even! (Those of you who aren't from Australia reading this, you think I'm joking, don't you? Go on, google image search or wiki "huntsman spider". I dare you.) The major problem with this is that when it comes to spiders, I am the world's largest wimp. Instead of killing it or trying to get it out of my room, I fled from my room and closed the door behind me, locking it inside. Please note: don't try this at home. It is very stupid. AS SUCH I now no longer have any idea where the spider is except for knowing that it is in my room, somewhere. Unsettling, to say the least.
So I have gathered up my duvet and pillow and made camp on the couch for the last three nights. Until that thing rears it's ugly head once more, I will never be able to sleep on that bed again.
There's another beauty to this tactic, however: I move out in two days.
List three things you'd buy with your last $20. One practical, one frivolous and one of your choosing.
... You know, there's not much you can buy with $20 these days where I live, what with inflation and all. Let alone three things. But okay, I'll go along with it.
One practical thing: another pair of underwear. You can never have too many pairs of panties. c. $5.00
One frivolous thing: volume 9 of Shinshi Doumei Cross, my current favourite Japanese comic series. c. $10.00
One of my choosing: travel expenses to go buy said previous items: $5.00
Huh. I think there's a possibility that just maybe I take some of these questions too seriously.
If you could teleport to any place in the world right this second, where would you go?
America! No question. I plan to move out of Australia as soon as I finish university, in any case, hopefully to America. I know, I know, those of you who live in America are probably giving me weird looks and thinking "Geez, why the hell would you want to move to America? Our healthcare system sucks, our president sucks, half our population is idiotic, most of the world hates us... etc etc."
But the fact of the matter is, even though Australia's a pretty cool place to live? There are two major problems. The first being that it's incredibly isolated, the second being that it's not really the place you want to be if you want to go into any major artistic industry. How many Australian actors that've made it bigtime can you name off the top of your head? Not nearly as many as American, I'll bet. And how many of those that you named moved to Hollywood before they found their fame? Probably quite a few, you'll find. It's the same principle. There's simply no industry for it here. End of story. How many successful Australian singers are there? How many on-going comics do you think get written and published in Australia? How many successful fashion lines do you think were born in Australia? Yeah, that's right.
Hell, maybe I'll change my mind in four year's time. But for now, my goal is to finish uni and then get the hell out of here.
What would you do if you had one day to live and you were still young and healthy?
Hey hey, I still am young and healthy! That aside, I guess I would ... well, I was about to say I would splurge all my money on another trip around the world to see all the people that mean so much to me and tell them how much they mean to me in person, but I just realised that would take more than a day, so.
Man, this question is kind of creepy to me, because I used to have a recurring nightmare about this situation when I was younger.
First, I would put all my affairs in order-- anyone that I had fought with, make up with. Anyone I had wronged, apologise to. Make sure that the items in my possession that I care about are left to the people who I know will take good care of them, not sell them for the cash. I would tell my best friend how important she is to me. I would regret not ever having sex but still not have someone to have sex with. I would tell everyone I'd ever loved just how much I loved them, including those I'd never told before. I would write down every last scrap of detail I could remember about Oliver's story in the hope that someone one day would find it and write or draw it like the epic it's supposed to be. And then... I suppose, time left after that I would spend like any other day. I would just do the things that I enjoy. I would go and buy the food that I love to eat most and eat it until I couldn't eat anymore. I'd play video games. I'd just hang with my friends. I'd discuss the usual nerdy fandom things. I'd laugh at stupid incidents in my RP game on livejournal.
Because the thing is, other than that, I don't have anything major on my "to-do before I die" list that I could accomplish in one day, like scuba diving or bungee jumping, etc etc. Everything major that I want to do before I die in life is something that will take time. Like becoming a comic artist, or a fashion designer, or travelling around America and Europe and the UK, and meeting all my friends, and finishing my university degree, and moving off this stupid island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and so on.
So if I only had one day to live, obviously I can't do those things. So what can I do but set my worries at ease and then just spend the rest of the day doing what I enjoy?
How did you celebrate Valentine's Day?
By watching sad and depressing movies, and then sharing my pain with others by making them watch said movies too. What? I never said I was nice.
What do you do when you find yourself with nothing to do?
Submitted by Cassie.
--Hey! Hey look! My suggestion actually got put up for Question of the Day! How strange. Alas, if I had an answer to this one, I wouldn't have suggested it. It's interesting reading through other people's answers, though. There seem to be a lot of people complaining about the fact that they're too busy to ever have "nothing to do", and yet they have the time to answer inane questions of the day like this on Vox. Good job guys.
I would be lying if I said I'm not looking forward to going back to University. I mean, I like holidays, but three months is just too long. I'm literally at my wit's end trying to think of things to occupy myself with that don't include blowing the download limit again. (Unfortunately, this pretty much means I can't download anything bigger than half an hour of TV per week. Ugh, suck my nonexistant dick, Telstra.)
The GOOD thing about this, though, is that at least I've been using the time a little more constructively, in an effort to keep myself from going crazy. Trying to finish all my unfinished games, going out to socialise with friends more (yes, I know, SHOCKING), educating myself by reading encyclopaedias (my brand of boredom is a desperate one), going out to protests and festivals in the city, even baking and doing my chores semi-regularly. The only thing I haven't been driven to do is excercise more. Whoops. So much for THAT New Year's resolution. Oh well.
2008 is the Year of the Rat. Which animal year were you born in?
Year of the Dragon: 02/17/1988 - 02/05/1989
I was born on the 5th of January, 1989. The more you know!
Have you ever been on either end of an unrequited love?
Haha, well, I'm always on one end! I don't have anyone I'm crushing on right now (for a change), but from the age of 12 until the age of 18, it was pretty much just one big string of one unrequited crush after the other. I've come to learn that I am pretty much impossible at crushing on anyone who I might actually have a chance with. Oh, well, no, that's a lie. I have had two boyfriends and one girlfriend in that time. But for some reason, I've come to learn that the minute I confess and am accepted, I lose that crush. So... this is why I don't confess anymore! Well, there are other reasons too. But I like to treasure my crushes for the things they are-- silly little bouts of affection towards people I admire a lot, that make me feel happy and put a spring in my step. And confessing kind of ruins that. In short: I like to admire people from afar, but I dislike rejection and I dislike relationships (and people getting too close to me, and committment) even more.
So I guess you could say I've learned not to take crushes too seriously. I'm no longer fourteen and having delusions of "true love", but I'm having fun at the same time. Because crushes ARE fun if you go about it the right way. Unrequited love doesn't have to be angsty. Oh, what do you know-- shoujo manga is educational!
As for the other thing, I wouldn't know! I-- oh, okay, that's a lie too. I have had two guys and a girl confess to me that I've had to reject on the basis of only ever seeing them as a friend (two rejections of which I DEEPLY regret to this day). At least I've managed to remain friends with one of them, though, so I'm glad for that. I've had another person confess to me anonymously, but... as it was anonymous, there's nothing much I can do about it in either direction. (I guess that's the charm in confessing anonymously? I dunno, I've never gone for it, but I can see why some people would.) I wish I knew who they were, but I... still have absolutely no idea \o/! Which is WEIRD, because normally, I can tell when somebody has a crush on me! (Yeah okay, those three times when those other people confessed and I said I had no idea they had a crush on me? Lies. All lies. I'M SORRY!! Even though they'll never read this. But you know, it is awfully awkward when someone confesses to you to answer "Yeah, ahaha, actually, I kind of guessed.")
I crush a lot on other people myself, as I just said above, so I like to think that I'm pretty in-tune to the sorts of standard behavioural patterns people have when they realise they have a crush on you! (And this is even more obvious if they acquire it when you're already partway into the friendship and their behaviour suddenly changes.) And, okay, while I admit I haven't been the closest friend this year and last... it kind of bothers me that I cannot tell at all who it is. Unless it's someone I don't talk to on a regular basis, which I guess I could accept, but would find weird on some level because... when you have a crush on someone, don't you want to be around them as much as possible?
Auugghhhhh, I dunno! I've rambled enough for today. I'mma end it there.
Have you ever had a premonition about something that came true?
Depends. Are we talking about like, where you go "I bet he dumps her tomorrow," or actual visions/dreams?
The former I'm not so good at, because I'm bad at predicting other people's behaviour, with a few exceptions. I think I make the mistake of always believing other people will act in a rational and logical manner, but of course they don't. Human beings are creatures driven much more by emotion than logic :\. See also: why people remain in shitty relationships when they should have broken up ages ago and continue to make pathetic reasons as to why they're still in it.
As for the latter! Well. Hm. At the risk of sounding crazy! I do occasionally dream about things that will happen, but every time it's always been something insignificant, and it's always happened like almost directly after I've woken up. So I've never had any warning prior to someone's death or a major event or anything like that. It's always been things like, dreaming about having a conversation over the phone with someone, then waking up and then soon after hearing the phone ringing and it being that person I dreamt about talking on the phone with, and then somehow having the exact same conversation with them as was in the dream. Or dreaming that they were building a new shopping centre in Top Ryde, and then looking at the newspaper that day to see that they'd just announced that they were going to be building such a thing. Etc. They don't happen very often anyway, so I'm not that bothered. (Except when the topic comes up, and I have to choose whether to talk about it and sound nuts or lie o/.)