I would apologise for double posting, but I'm not really sorry.

You know, I'm starting to wonder if every crush I ever had on someone wasn't just hormone induced madness.

It's odd, you know, the way the mind works. It's no secret that I went on the pill sometime last year, and it's no secret that the pill also reduces the severity of how hormones affect your body. The stronger the dosage, the stronger the reduction, and I got put on a pretty heavy dose after a previous trial of doses that did no good. (For the record, I'm not on the pill because I'm sexually active. Haha, that's a laugh. I'm on it to help reduce the severity of the crippling period pain I get and the amount of blood I lose each month, since I'm heavily iron deficient. And if you're a guy and were just grossed out by that, I'm sorry but I have only three words for you: get over it. By standards of TMI, there's much worse. And I say this as someone who is easily grossed out.)

But the other day as I was bored, I decided to write down a list of all the people I had ever crushed on, for... I have no idea what purpose, honestly. Nostalgia, perhaps. Boredom is a funny thing. But in that I noticed three things:

1. From the age of twelve (when I first got my period), until around a month after I got put on the pill (about a year ago, when I was eighteen), I never had a single moment in time where I wasn't crushing on somebody
2. Since around a month after I got put on the pill (around this time last year) until a month after I stopped taking it (about a week ago), I didn't have a single crush on anyone. My libido (lol lol lol yes let's all giggle like children, go on, I know I am) was also completely obliterated like it had been hit flat with a sledgehammer. I wonder if these two points aren't related.
3. Since around a month after I stopped taking the pill (about a week ago), I've suddenly got a crush on someone again.

And while I don't really take my own crushes very seriously anymore, it's kind of simultaneously disturbing. It kind of makes you wonder if you'll ever really experience "love" or if it'll just be "lust" all the way. And I know that people older and wiser than me would say "What're you worrying about that now for? You're only nineteen, you've got a long life ahead of you for that sort of thing yet!" And I guess I agree. But on the other hand, I feel like life is too short to spend it mucking around, not trying to experience everything that I've wanted to experience.

After all, I could be hit by a car and die tomorrow, you know?